Happy Post is Happy

My last post was a little… intense for me to write. While I love how cathartic those “bare your soul” kind of posts are, I need a breather.

So, today, I’m going to share some funny stories about hubby and I.

A few weeks ago, hubby and I celebrated our one year anniversary… on the wrong day. How did I deduce that it was the wrong day? I looked at my Facebook timeline and realized that I was a week off. (I also got a big old, “You mean I was RIGHT??” from Jason about that one.)

This actually follows in the tradition of everything regarding our wedding being a bit of a hot mess. From the hilarity of mistakes made while filling out our marriage license to utterly failing to plan literally anything until the day before the wedding (which also happened to be the day I got a new job), our wedding was absolute chaos from start to finish. Don’t get me wrong, I loved our wedding ceremony and wouldn’t have had it any other way, but there’s no denying that it was insane.

Before we got married, we didn’t know what we were doing and while we’ve learned along the way, we’re still pretty clueless.

Story from before we got married:

Jason hurt himself and since we didn’t have a hot-pack, he filled a sock with rice and threw it in the microwave… for 6 minutes. I was in the bedroom and noticed an awful smell and some smoke. Then the fire alarm starts going off. Jason yells at me to get outside, so I do. He dumped the flaming sock into the sink and doused it with water to put out the flames before bringing the melted sock and ruined microwave outside. Neighbors came by to see what the ruckus was about and I watched the grass slowly die around the remains of the sock.

The apartment smelled for about a month after that.

Now, we have a dual hot and cold pack that looks like a kitty. (This means we get to say fun things like, “Would you like me to put the kitty in the freezer?”) We know that it is not to be in the microwave for over 2 minutes and that it needs to be put inside a plastic bag before it goes in the freezer.

Isn’t it cute?

Story from several weeks ago:

Please reference this post, in which I discuss going out to explore nature at 8 PM, hiking 1.5 miles to get to the beach and watch the sunset, then realizing that the way back was 90% uphill. This ended with us realizing our car was broken into and a chat with the park ranger about why we were out so late. Good times.

Now, hubby won’t take me anywhere when it’s that close to dark and he makes sure I’m not signing him up for masochistic activities.

Some other silly things I’ve done include:

  • Before marriage: Going to the beach and wearing flip-flops when it was actually rather cold and discovering that the beach doesn’t have sand. Instead, it has a lot of broken seashells and other hard things that really hurt when you step on them.
  • After marriage: Going on a week-long vacation with my husband and limiting my footwear to two pairs of flip-flops (when I should’ve anticipated we would be hiking and visiting the zoo).

On the other hand, there have been times where I think we have perhaps learned the wrong thing. For instance, a while ago I totally freaked out while I was taking a shower because a very large mosquito almost landed on me. Jason heard me screaming and comes running into the bathroom, thinking someone is trying to kill me. When I told him that a mosquito was in the shower, he just walked away. He was so angry. “My knife was drawn. I was ready to end someone and it was a freaking mosquito!”

A couple days ago, there was a giant fly in the house. It landed on me and I freaked out a little. Later on, I spot it going in the bathroom so I shut the door and tell Jason to go kill it. While he’s trying to kill it, I start playing music from the Undertale soundtrack, so hubby thinks I’m mocking him. (I didn’t mean it that way, but once it started playing I laughed a little.)

He comes out in a few minutes and says he hit it a few times but can’t find the body. It then appears in the kitchen again and I’m like whatever I’m taking a shower. As I’m washing my hair, my earring back falls off. I call for Jason because I can’t tell if it went down the drain and regardless I want him to take the rest of my earring so I don’t lose it. He doesn’t come. I figure he can’t hear me because he’s either outside or my music is too loud. When I get out of the shower, I say, “Why aren’t you ever inside when I need you?” Yadda yadda yadda…

“Oh, that’s what you wanted. I thought you were yelling because that fly was in there or something.”

“I specifically tried to sound less panicked so you would realize I wasn’t screaming about an insect. Though you should still come if I’m screaming because someone could actually be trying to kill me.”

One last thing…

I never had a dog or a cat while I was growing up. We took in a stray kitten when she was a wee little thing, maybe a week or two old, a year before I moved in with hubby. It broke my heart to leave her behind. Ever since then, I have wanted to get a cat.

This week, we almost succeeded in getting one.

This is Panther. Panther showed up Monday and we got her to come inside. However, when we closed the screen door, Panther made the most pathetic, horribly sad sound I have ever heard in my life. We let Panther return to the outdoors.

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10 Ridiculous Technical Support Stories

I have been working a different job for almost 2 weeks now, and now I shall reflect on some of the craziest things that ever happened while I was working in cellphone technical support.

1. From time to time, I would get calls that should have gone straight to sales. This customer called in to find out about our Mother’s Day promotions. I shared that we did not have any such promotions at the national level and she would need to go in to her local store to find out more about any such promotion. She then asked me to hold and I heard her answer a call. Not a personal call – this person worked in a call center and put me on hold so she could answer her call. Except she didn’t even put me on hold.

I worked for a cellphone carrier. We have access to so much personal information that having your personal phone out could get you fired immediately. This customer worked for an insurance call center.

I was stunned, so I muted myself and told my team manager. She was like, well, regular hold policy still applies… If they don’t come back in two minutes, hang up.

Unfortunately, the customer came back before the two minute mark. I shared our current plan options and that the plan she was on was best for her. She then asked me if we match plans (no) and outlined our competitors’ plans (I don’t care). She then began an epic tale of how we are the Worst Service Provider Ever and before I can say anything, she asks me to hold again.

“I’m still here, I’m just waiting on this PDF of your policy to load.” No, you’re not. She comes back on the phone and I tell her that if she wants to cancel her service, I can get her to our cancellation department but that we don’t have any offers that are going to be better than the one she had.

2. This mother wanted to unlock her daughter’s phone. The daughter was already in China – of course – and without a phone. I shared that her daughter’s phone was ineligible for unlock because it was not paid off/out of its service agreement yet. I shared that the iPhone 5 on the account was eligible for unlock and that the daughter could swap phones with that person. Not the best solution, but at least it was an option. The mother says, in a very condescending tone, that the iPhone 5 does not work in China. Apparently in China you have to have a 6 – everyone has a 6.

Yes, Apple never bothered to make the iPhone 5 work in one of the most heavily populated countries in the world. Makes total sense.

When I explained that the daughter’s work phone, an iPhone 5, did not work because it’s a Verizon phone and doesn’t use the same network technology that they use in China, the mother was still adamant that it was because it was an iPhone 5. So, I shared that she can either pay off the rest of her daughter’s phone or her daughter can purchase a phone in China that would not need to be unlocked. The mother refused because she didn’t have money for another iPhone 6. I then attempted to explain that the iPhone 6 is not the only phone for sale in China and that her daughter does not, in fact, need an iPhone 6. Yes, this was one of the rare cases where I actually let my annoyance show.

3. And there was that time that a customer was in England and needed to unlock their phone and thought that they needed the PUK code. Generally, if you have heard of a PUK code, you know what it’s for, but this was not the case.

4. The woman who called in to disable private browsing on her husband’s work phone so that he would stop chatting with his mistress.

5. The customer who told me his signal booster had been hit by lightning and then asked if the company was “in bed with the CIA.”

6. The customer who called in thinking that Google was his service provider because he just got his new iPhone and one of the apps says Google. He also kept saying that his email address was hisnameagmail.com. Honey, that’s an @ sign.

7. The customer who called in and told me he was going to be part of a special research project on Wake Island and wanted to learn about coverage options.

8. The customer who was upset about not getting service at the Grand Canyon.

9. The customer who wanted me to call back on a weekly basis to check on her because the weather app she downloaded had infected her phone and she needed to extract every contact, picture, and note from her phone without using iCloud before she would erase it.

10. The customer  who called specifically to ask me to lie to her child about setting up GPS tracking on his phone.

And many more that will probably only resurface after I have consumed several adult beverages!

Reincarnation

Last week, Jason finally came home from Kansas and for the first time in months, we had a full “weekend” together (Thursday and Friday). We went to brunch Thursday morning because there was absolutely no food left in the house. We were planning on going grocery shopping after, but I said, “Let’s go to Goodwill and see if we can find a table.” We’ve been living in our apartment since last October and still do not have a kitchen table. We don’t have room for one, but eating off our knees is getting pretty old.

Jason had other plans. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going, he just said it had something to do with our future. We pulled into the parking garage downtown and got out. We stopped to look at the map of the buildings around us and then it hit me. “We’re getting our marriage license, aren’t we?”

“Uh-huh.”

The gentleman at the counter gives us the form to fill out and we go sit down. I can’t remember where my parents were born. I call my mom. Jason leaves the fields blank. We look over the form and I was Party A originally and on the second part I was Party B. We go back to the gentleman and he looks it over. Whoops, forgot to put down where I was born in that field. Jason apparently missed that field, too. “Which state were you born in?”

“On the border of Arkansas and Missouri.”

“What do you mean, on the border?”

“The hospital was literally on the border of two states.” The gentleman gets up and brings over a supervisor. I nudge Jason and ask him what it says on his birth certificate. I hear the supervisor say to the gentleman that she’s never heard that before and she walks over to us. Then, the supervisor asks what it says on his birth certificate.  Blank. So, Jason was told to pick one. He does and the gentleman enters all the information into the computer.

“When you said you were taking me to somewhere that had to do with the future, I thought we were going to the space museum.”

Afterward, we decide we are going to get our driver’s licenses updated at last. When we looked over the records to get everything updated, Jason’s file says he was born in the state he didn’t pick for our marriage license. Oops.

Jason looks at his temporary driver’s license picture and asks me if he really looks like that. “…yes.”

I text a picture of the two licenses side-by-side to his mother. She texts him back.

“You look like a serial killer on crack, sweetie. :D”